Its baaaccckkk

I think I might have finally gotten through the worst of this virus that I had.  Unfortunately as the result of sleeping a ton, hardly eating anything for days, and spending way too much time on the couch resting, I also have gotten back into pulling more.  A day home sick was when my pulling first began and to this day, sick days can do me in.

I can tell that I missed a bunch of my medicine (because I have to take it with food & I couldn’t eat).  My mood sucks lately.  All of a sudden I get the feeling that no one likes me or appreciates me, and that they only talk to me because they feel like they have to.  I know this is from the depression that I have along with the Trich, so I’m working very hard at convincing myself the thoughts aren’t realistic and that I don’t have to get down about them.  I just need to get back on track with my Effexor and I should be okay.  At least I won’t be so paranoid & down.

So now I have to try and crawl back up on the wagon and work on this CBT stuff again.  I can’t tell if it works at all, but at least it makes me more concious of my pulling and it puts me somewhat in a position of control as to whether I choose to give into the disorder or choose to fight a little harder, at least for right now.  Sometimes I’m just too tired to care and so I pull.  Sometimes I’m too sick & it doesn’t even occur to me not to pull.  Sometimes I resist for a while and then give in because I can’t stand the itchy sensation on my scalp.

But even when I do give in, its up to me whether I’m going to pull myself up by the bootstraps & try again, or just let myself go crazy.  My goal is to still be wig free for my trip to Chicago in 2 months.  If a miracle somehow happens in the next two months and I can get enough hair to grow back in, I would love to also be headband free, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.  (See the photos page if you don’t know what I mean by the  headband.)

So I’m back, and if I promised you a post containing any specific information, I will get on it shortly!

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A day at home

I was planning to work today. Really I was. But the teachers at school didn’t reply to my notes or emails about whether or not they would be in their rooms for make up sessions today (because we had a snow day on Tuesday). So, instead of doing all of that extra driving, to potentially only see one classroom of kids, I just decided to stay at home. Such is the joy of being a private contractor! What sucks is that I don’t get paid for the time I’m not working. However, I’ve decided that I’m setting aside some time today to practice, write a couple of songs, research song ideas, and then make whatever visual materials I need for the songs. Such is the life of a special ed. music therapist. This way I can still bill for working, but I don’t have 1.5 hours of pulling temptation to deal with (I mean driving).

Being self-employed was a decision made partly due to my hair pulling. While it has resulted in way more driving than I would like, having a flexible schedule is very good for me. I can go do things when I need to. I can schedule therapy sessions and doctors appointments and all of the other things that I need to do to take care of myself. If I really need a mental health day, I can just call and reschedule. It has its downsides though. For the last 4 years, I had crappy health insurance that wouldn’t cover mental health care. Therefore, I couldn’t go to therapy because it was too expensive. I got around that by going through a county mental health program and saw a social worker. It was slightly helpful but not the right match for me. Not getting paid for the days I miss and that can’t be made up really stinks. I love working on a school schedule (although I do work all summer) but the breaks we do have are financially difficult.

Now that I’m married I have good (well, reasonable) insurance again and have found a therapist who is a better fit. $20 copays are much more my style and allow me to take better care of myself. Now, if we could just figure out something that works! I guess it has already been 18 years, so what’s another couple? Argh. I just want it to get better. That reminds me that I need to post hair photos at some point, and also info about medication therapy and CBT.

So far, I’ve pulled a little this morning, but then got one of my good hats on, so now I’m doing better. I need to get some projects worked on today so usually that helps with keeping my hands too busy to pull. Then I have dance class today (scary because I can’t pull my hair back anymore without bald spots showing, so I’m not sure what I’ll do about my hair for class.) Then I have a 1.5 hour drive by myself to my parents house. I’m going to have to remember to keep my hat & gloves on at all times! Tomorrow a meeting in the morning. What a fun weekend!

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