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Archive for January, 2010

For a few days I’ve been trying to come up with something write about but it just isn’t working.  I’m busy, I’m in a slump, I don’t have any new insights to offer.

So, for those of you who don’t already know about it, I’m going to post the link to the Trichotillomania Learning Center spring Conference.  I was hoping to present at this, but my proposals were turned down.  So, due to many circumstances surrounding that change of scenario, I don’t think I’m going to be able to go.  But you should if you can afford it.  I went once and it really motivated me to start learning more.  I just wish it weren’t so far away.  Dallas is a particularly expensive place to get to from here for some reason.

http://www.trich.org/involved/cal-conference.html

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Untitled

I’m really struggling right now.   Not just with pulling but with life in general. I can’t even think of a title for the post.  It seems that I just keep facing set back after set back.  I know I should be thankful for all the things I DO have (jobs at least through the end of the school year & probably longer, house, husband, working vehicle) but emotionally I never seem to move forward.  I am lost within my own life and I don’t even know where to start looking for a foothold.  I try, but nothing ever really seems to work.

I’m pulling a lot and not using my tools.  I did put my hat on both yesterday and today so I’m doing better, than I was even on Saturday.  I have a very long no-work weekend and didn’t schedule enough to keep my hands and brain busy.  But I’ll muddle through the hair stuff like I always do.  I actually understand my hair and know, to a point, what I can do to help myself.  If only I could figure out the rest of my life.

But I found this quote when looking through a notebook today.  I think it is from the TLC retreat back in 2008.  I think it is a good motto so I’m going to leave it for you:

” Every moment that I am not engaged in behavior, (then) I am in recovery.”

So for now, as my hat sits on my head, I’m going to focus on the fact that for this moment, I’m doing well.  Maybe then life will fall into to step behind that.

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My break was a little longer than originally intended.  But I needed it.  I’m feeling particularly uninspired about my hair pulling lately.  This can be thought of two ways

1.  I’ve decided that pulling won’t rule my life and therefore, I don’t care how much I pull, so I don’t give it a lot of thought.

2.  It’d be great to stop pulling, but I just don’t have the energy or desire available right now to really fight it & be uber aware, so I just toss in the towel.

I’m not sure which is more right.  Most of the time I think it really is number 1.  It is easy to see how #2 could be very true.  That tends to happen in the winter when the days are short and the sun sparse (I have seasonal affect disorder for sure, which is exacerbated by living in one of the most cloudy places ever).

Mostly I think it is #1 but then when I realize how thin my hair is getting, I do have moments of panic:  “what will I do if I get to the point I can’t cover this anymore?”.  So if it were really option 1, then I wouldn’t panic, right, I’d just go on living and if someone sees scalp, so what?  And sometimes I do feel that way.  I see the teaching opportunity in questions about my hair.  But I also experience that panic and fear.

I suppose what I should really do is inventory what is going on, what triggers are happening, and if there are any I want to change or sub for.  What sensory needs do I have right now that I could meet in other ways?  I know some tools that work for me, so why not use them?  It really would be the best of both worlds: not beating myself up over whether I pull or not, but still putting some easy tools in place to at least decrease the severity of what’s going on.

So I need to think on that this year.  I don’t do NY resolutions.  I feel that if you’re going to make a life change, you need to do it when it strikes you, not because of a (in)significant date on the calendar.  But I can examine my life and see what I’ve done well and what needs work and go from there.

What are you re-examining this year?

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