Archive for August, 2009


I haven’t figured out yet how to post the widget I need, but I’m working on it.  In the meantime, I decided to participate in TLC’s Hands-Down-a-Thon.  For the next two months I will be making every effort I can to decrease (hopefully extinguish) my urges to pull.  In tandem, I am to fundraise for the Trichotillomania Learning Center so that they can provide research grants and educational programs around the country.

The shame & silence that surrounds this disorder is a travesty.  My goal is to help break through it.

Please visit my page to donate at:  http://www.firstgiving.com/zebe


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Summer Tool

On a slightly less pathetic note, I finally found a “hat” that works well for me during the summer when a real hat is too hot.

I discovered that if I use my net wig cap, I can still get cool air to my head, but very few hairs poke through so I can’t really pull at all. It also gives my scalp just enough compression that it helps with the sensory needs of my scalp so I have fewer urges. I was really struggling with what tool to use during the summer and I’m happy it was something simple, cheap, & comfortable I already had in the house.

It also doesn’t totally mess up my hair in case I need to wear it between my morning shower and going out again in the evening. That’s the problem I’ve been having with bandannas which used to be my summer wear.

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Depression is a part of my life. I don’t remember a time when it hasn’t affected me to one degree or another. But then I don’t remember a whole lot from before I started pulling either. Much of my childhood is just blank. Which is sad.

But because I seem to have the gloomy cloud over my head much of the time, people don’t want to hear me talk about my feelings. They try to talk me out of them or cheer me up. But sometimes I just need a release. Even my husband doesn’t really get it although he’ll sort of detach and let me vent.

But he’s not around right now and I’m just having a bad bout. I had an event tonight I was really really looking forward too. I’d planned my week around it.

And then everyone backed out.

And it hurts.

I know that in this case especially I shouldn’t take it personally, but it hurts all the same. It feels like a personal blow. Probably because I have so few friends and a chance to actually go out with people is a HUGE deal to me these days.

So I’m really sad and I’m crying and I’m wondering when I became such a leper that no one wants to spend time with me. I know that sounds like exagerating and I keep trying to convince myself it is. But birthdays have been like this for years.  I feel a priority to no one. I am loyal to a fault, but it isn’t reciprocated.

And it HURTS. It hurts like hell. I can’t help but take it personally.

But what is worse is I can’t talk about it with anyone or cry about it. Because those same people don’t want to hear it. They get short with me about feeling sad and feeling so deeply.

But it is me and I can’t deny that these feelings are there. It hurts to keep them pent up inside too.

But I don’t feel like I fit into my own life. I just don’t feel like I belong anywhere. It is hard to stay happy and strive to reach goals when I feel like I’m just treading water in a vast blackness.

So yeah, today sucks. A LOT.

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