Be…longing

I’ve always been a bit of a loner.  I don’t do well in crowds.  In fact, I avoid them if possible.  I have anticipation and social anxiety that can “talk me “out of participating in just about anything.   I tend to do well talking to people online, in forums, through email…on a blog.  I don’t do so well with idle chit chat.  In fact I suck at it.  I’ve discovered a big reason I tend to run late is so that I don’t have to sit around and fill awkward time chatting before an event or class starts.  Sad but true.

However, since meeting a great group of girls online in 2006/7, I had really overcome some of this anxiety and put myself out into the social realm.  I mean I met “total strangers” in Vegas for goodness sakes.  Luckily, they all turned out to be totally wonderful and we had a terrific time.  It was truly one of the best weekends of my life because I was living out of my anxiety encrusted shell and had super fun, nice people to help me.  I’ve met up with different combinations of these girls (women, if you prefer that term instead) twice since then for similar get togethers.

Maybe it is just the winter doldrums, but lately I don’t feel like I belong anywhere.  I feel like I’m just a quirky person and people tolerate me, but don’t really like me.  If you know what I mean.  While online forums (my two main ones are with people I’ve met in real life too) have been a great way for me to branch out & get to know new people, I still live in a totally cliche-ish community where it is near impossible to meet new people, especially ones who aren’t old enough to be my grandparents.  Needless to say, I’m used to the feeling of not belonging in my community.  I don’t like it, but I haven’t found a way to change it, so I try going about my business hoping for the best.

Lately, I don’t feel like I really belong in cyber space either.  I’m just always a little off.  Sort of like trying to fit a sharply angled square peg into a square hole that has slightly rounded edges.   I’ve always thought I was pretty good with words and expressing myself, but lately it seems like I offend when I don’t mean to and my words just get taken the wrong way a lot.

Secondly, my bonds with people aren’t strong & long lasting.  Or they feel one sided.  Friends I’ve had for 10+ years, or even my whole life, don’t stay in touch or don’t seem to make getting together a priority.  I know that life changes.  I was one of the first to move away after college, for that matter.  I guess it is the fact that I don’t have new people filling in the gaps that makes me feel so unstable.  Part of me craves social interaction.  Part of me really wants to get out of the house to have fun once in a while.  My husband is a homebody and would never leave if he had his way, so that doesn’t help.  I’m the more social of the two of us (yikes) in a lot of ways.

So when I can, I try to suck it up & get out there.  I try to go to events even when I feel like I won’t belong and I’ll have to fumble my way through chit chat.  But I’m still lonely and I still feel unimportant and unlikeable.  I don’t think that helps my pulling at all.  Perhaps those two things are more intermingled than they should be, or than I realize.  Really, I don’t care.  I just want to feel better.  I want people to like me and want to spend time with me.  I want to not feel like a loser all the time.  When I was younger I thought getting married would solve all of this because I’d have a husband and he’d have friends and we’d have friends….nope.  It’s just him & me all the time.  Which is great, but its not always enough.  I still feel incomplete.