I don’t feel very witty and I don’t have a whole lot to say. It has been a few weeks since posting, though, so I feel as though I need to put something on the site. I’m still struggling with my pulling. I am barely aware of my pulling, and even when I am, I have no motivation whatsoever to stop. The little voice in my head isn’t kicking in to remind me that I don’t like the ramifications of pulling. Until I can start to access that again, I’m not sure how I’m going to make any progress. It is that outside observer/voice that is my awareness. It is what links the puller part of me to the day to day “Dawn” part of me. Right now they don’t seem to be on speaking terms. I got a supplement from my kinesiologist that he seems to think might help curb the anxious part of things. It’s only been a day, so now its a waiting game. I’ve had a harder time sticking to the gluten/sugar free regimen the past few days. Partly because I’ve been away from home, but also because cheating is so much easier and tastes good. Apparently my will power is out to lunch with my inner voice.
So I guess this is a venting post. I think part of my problem right now is that I’m just apathetic. I am not mad at my disorder. I’m not irritated that I’m “stuck with it.” For the most part I’ve been feeling really good physically, so it is hard for me to say “my lot in life sucks,” because I know it doesn’t. The only problem is that means my fight has waned. I’m not actively working against this disorder, and I think that is where a lot of my awareness comes from. It is the suckiness of the disorder and the symptoms that often makes me work the hardest to try and beat them. It just isn’t happening right now. I want it to be easy. I want the disorder to just vanish. After almost 19 years of pulling, I know that isn’t going to happen, but I can always dream. I keep hoping that in my research and experimenting, I will be the one to find that “magic cure.” Actually, I don’t care if it is me. But would someone please figure this stupid disorder out already!? I love my spiral curls and some days, even the massive fluffy nature of my hair (just not when it is humid). So why in the name of all that is holy do I pull it out!!!?? Argh. I know you all know what I mean, and that is why I write; even if it is really infrequently.
