For a few days I’ve been trying to come up with something write about but it just isn’t working.  I’m busy, I’m in a slump, I don’t have any new insights to offer.

So, for those of you who don’t already know about it, I’m going to post the link to the Trichotillomania Learning Center spring Conference.  I was hoping to present at this, but my proposals were turned down.  So, due to many circumstances surrounding that change of scenario, I don’t think I’m going to be able to go.  But you should if you can afford it.  I went once and it really motivated me to start learning more.  I just wish it weren’t so far away.  Dallas is a particularly expensive place to get to from here for some reason.

http://www.trich.org/involved/cal-conference.html

Untitled

I’m really struggling right now.   Not just with pulling but with life in general. I can’t even think of a title for the post.  It seems that I just keep facing set back after set back.  I know I should be thankful for all the things I DO have (jobs at least through the end of the school year & probably longer, house, husband, working vehicle) but emotionally I never seem to move forward.  I am lost within my own life and I don’t even know where to start looking for a foothold.  I try, but nothing ever really seems to work.

I’m pulling a lot and not using my tools.  I did put my hat on both yesterday and today so I’m doing better, than I was even on Saturday.  I have a very long no-work weekend and didn’t schedule enough to keep my hands and brain busy.  But I’ll muddle through the hair stuff like I always do.  I actually understand my hair and know, to a point, what I can do to help myself.  If only I could figure out the rest of my life.

But I found this quote when looking through a notebook today.  I think it is from the TLC retreat back in 2008.  I think it is a good motto so I’m going to leave it for you:

” Every moment that I am not engaged in behavior, (then) I am in recovery.”

So for now, as my hat sits on my head, I’m going to focus on the fact that for this moment, I’m doing well.  Maybe then life will fall into to step behind that.

Happy January

My break was a little longer than originally intended.  But I needed it.  I’m feeling particularly uninspired about my hair pulling lately.  This can be thought of two ways

1.  I’ve decided that pulling won’t rule my life and therefore, I don’t care how much I pull, so I don’t give it a lot of thought.

2.  It’d be great to stop pulling, but I just don’t have the energy or desire available right now to really fight it & be uber aware, so I just toss in the towel.

I’m not sure which is more right.  Most of the time I think it really is number 1.  It is easy to see how #2 could be very true.  That tends to happen in the winter when the days are short and the sun sparse (I have seasonal affect disorder for sure, which is exacerbated by living in one of the most cloudy places ever).

Mostly I think it is #1 but then when I realize how thin my hair is getting, I do have moments of panic:  “what will I do if I get to the point I can’t cover this anymore?”.  So if it were really option 1, then I wouldn’t panic, right, I’d just go on living and if someone sees scalp, so what?  And sometimes I do feel that way.  I see the teaching opportunity in questions about my hair.  But I also experience that panic and fear.

I suppose what I should really do is inventory what is going on, what triggers are happening, and if there are any I want to change or sub for.  What sensory needs do I have right now that I could meet in other ways?  I know some tools that work for me, so why not use them?  It really would be the best of both worlds: not beating myself up over whether I pull or not, but still putting some easy tools in place to at least decrease the severity of what’s going on.

So I need to think on that this year.  I don’t do NY resolutions.  I feel that if you’re going to make a life change, you need to do it when it strikes you, not because of a (in)significant date on the calendar.  But I can examine my life and see what I’ve done well and what needs work and go from there.

What are you re-examining this year?

Happy Holidays

I’m not sure that you’ll really notice the difference…

but I’m taking a hiatus for the holidays. I’m not going to have good computer access for the next week or so, at least, so I’m not even going to try and figure out how I’d post.

The holidays can bring on a lot of anxiety for people and that can lead to increased pulling urges. I’ve had this coming up, although related more to packing than to holiday stress itself. I hope that all of you will take some time to just sit and concentrate on being calm while pondering what these holidays mean to you (whichever ones you celebrate). Find some inner peace and return to that place if you find yourself getting amped up.

Good luck, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Happy Solstice, Happy Kwanzaa, & Happy 2010!

Snow Day x2

The good news is that the meeting I was dreading is now over a month away. The bad news is I’ve lost two days worth of income because of snow days. Except yesterday it didn’t snow and we totally could’ve had school. That was annoying. Today I am really glad I don’t have to go outside, except maybe to dig my husband’s car out of the driveway so he can go to an appointment.

When I was little my mom wouldn’t let us go ANYWHERE on a snow day. We could go out to play, but she figured if it were too bad to go to school then it was too bad to go anywhere fun. Granted, the country road we lived on is still scary to drive on in this stuff. I don’t blame her for using the excuse to not drive.

But I have the same policy for myself. If work is canceled for me, I don’t get to go out and run errands or go to the mall or whatnot. So that means two days now cooped up in my house without a lot planned to do. Add to that the head cold I got Tuesday night, and I’ve been sitting, reading, typing, vegging.

My hat helps quite a bit, but sometimes I just want it OFF. It is hard to make myself keep it on when my head gets hot or itchy, but if I take it off I will pull like mad from moment one.

Not being able to leave the house or get external stimuli makes it hard to resist pulling. What are those “special situations” that are most difficult for you?

Staying cool is hard to do

Ugh, I made the mistake of checking my work email before going to bed. Now I’m all worked up about a work situation that should NOT be an issue, but is. Over and over and over, these administrators disrespect me as a therapist and don’t listen when I try to explain things.  They’re being underhanded and going through other people rather than just talking to me, the person they hired.

I am doing therapy, lessons, work of course, and trying to get ready for two back to back trips.  It is the holidays and almost time for my vacation.  I should be enjoying myself.   I do NOT need this.

So, the next couple of days could be a major challenge both hair and stress wise. I’m trying so hard to just let this go as I can’t control other people. I know that legally & ethically & therapeutically I’m in the right.   I’m going to hold on to that and hope for the best.

Hoping…

Tug of War

I am so distracted lately. Maybe it is just all the appointments that I’ve had after school or the fact that we have too many things coming up soon that I have to prep all at the same time. I just can’t focus and I don’t feel like I’m accomplishing anything with my time.

I’m certainly not able to focus on my hair. While part of me wishes I were doing better, much of me just doesn’t care.

I continue to struggle with whether or not it is okay to not care if I pull. I feel like I should always be fighting it. Sometimes I just get tired though and I don’t want to fight. Sometimes, just accepting that it happens and not letting it shackle me is refreshing. But with all of the people out there who want so badly to “get better,” I almost feel guilty for not trying harder when I, at least, know what some good tools are.

Thoughts??

On Being Thankful

I’d planned to write this on Thursday after our Thanksgiving meal, but we got to watching TV and the whole day got wasted away.  I’ve been turning it over and over in my head and still nothing is concrete, so here’s the stream of consciousness version:

“They” always say that holidays are the hardest for people recovering from substance abuse.  It usually causes you to face up to things that have happened over time, or with loneliness that can come with working the steps.  Sometimes I wonder if it is similar for us with this “addiction” to hair pulling because of the way we pull away from people.

The holidays are hard for me.  Friends listing things they are thankful for every day on Facebook this year is a great idea, but is sort of hard for me to stomach.  I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but I find myself getting sucked back into pure frustration as well.  It is hard for me sometimes, to look through my tendency for pessimism and focus on the good things.  With my sister pregnant, and me not, it is even harder this year.

This conversation years ago with one of my therapists comes to mind:

Me:  I know I should be glad I only have Trich and not something as serious as cancer.  Sometimes though, I almost wish I had cancer.  It is so much easier to explain to people.  They understand chemo and lack of hair then because it isn’t something you do to yourself.  But that is a horrible thing to wish for because it is such an awful disease.

Therapist:  You don’t have to be glad you have Trich.  You don’t have to think that it is bad of you to want something more explainable.  It is OKAY to be angry and upset. (Ed: That was a new concept to me at the time.)  Just don’t let it rule you.  Work through it.

But I think that working through it is constant.  Sometimes, I feel fine with it all.  Then I’ll have a few bad days of pulling, or I’ll have a spot on my head I can’t cover easily and I start to get pulled back into the cycle of fear & frustration.  It is easy to get overwhelmed.  It is easy to get angry again.  It is hard to be thankful when I feel like I can’t be normal.

At the same time, I’ve chosen to become a champion for Trich education and other pullers.  I have to change my thinking.  My new haircut is a little too short & doesn’t cover as well as I’d like.  There’s nothing I can do to make it longer.  If a bald spot shows, and someone asks about it, it is NOT a tragedy.  Scary yes, but it is not a tragedy.  It is a chance to educate someone.  Maybe their niece or daughter or grandson pulls and I can give them a lifeline to information.  Maybe giving them info now can save that teen years of unnecessary fear, frustration, shame & hiding.

And that is something I can be thankful to have a part in!

So what can you look at in your life and be truly thankful for?  Is it easy for you to be thankful and find the good things in life, or do you struggle like I do?  I’d love to hear your input!

Foggy

I hate starting my posts with apologies. But I feel like a slacker again. I just don’t have much to write about at the moment. I think my brain has just chosen to shut down & rest for a while.

I keep going through weird cycles where I don’t feel a single urge for a while and then all of a sudden just can’t help it. Maybe it is the “food” I’m eating. As in junk. I haven’t been taking very good care of myself since I got back from CA. I think my body got too used to restaurant food at the conference and now I’m having a really hard time convincing myself to cook and eat the things I should eat. Having a bunch of appointments in the late afternoon or evening doesn’t help much either.

So, I suppose that should be my goal for this short week: I will eat homemade food and resist the temptation to guzzle down french fries that I shouldn’t be eating anyway! I also REALLY need to drink more water. No more after-noon coffee either.

Ok, that should be more than enough to keep me nearing the edge of insane….

Oh, and the day after I reached 5000 hits to my blog, I also reached 100 approved comments. So I really do want to do a giveaway. I just haven’t figured out what it will be yet. I’m still waiting for suggestions. Hint, hint.

Over the Hill

Today I reached 5000 hits on my blog! I’ve been waiting & watching but didn’t think it would happen for a day or too.

I should have a party but it would probably be pretty lonely. Now that my presentation is done, however, I am planning on reading books that are NOT about pulling or skin picking.  I also  rented the movie “The Soloist.”  That’s a reasonable celebration.

I got to see the REAL N.A. Ayers this weekend play various instruments  at our music therapy conference, so now I have to read the book & watch the movie & all that jazz. I look forward to learning more about his journey with mental illness and music therapy. He’s inspiring, that’s for sure.

But I feel like I should do a give away like other bloggers do for their blogiversaries and milestones. But hmmmm what to offer up to a bunch of hair pullers or parents. Leave suggestions, and I’ll be thinking.

Stay tuned if you want in